Co-habiting and the Breakdown and Society

Modern male-female relationships have developed a new trend that was once a taboo – cohabiting. Some people treat it as preparation for marriage when in fact, it is preparation for divorce! I will explain this shortly!

Once upon a time, a young lady knew, if she spent a night outside her parents home there would be consequences; that she would be expected to return to the man that she has, by default bound herself to, to get him to present himself to her family and take responsibility for their actions. The man would then have to either marry her or pay a penalty for offending the family honor. But times have changed.

Some men and women would live together even for several years, without prospect or promise of marriage on the horizon, even with several children. Never mind that legally their parting could be treated as a divorce in the courts of law.

Why do people want the privileges without the responsibility? Why do they feel they can pick and choose the elements of marriage they want, and get rid of all the rest? The excuses are many. Some think they can “test run” a potential marriage partner. Others feel that as long as they “get away with it” then it’s alright. Others even feel it is nobody’s business how they run
their life. Others feel God will “understand” their weakness. All these excuses fall apart because, first of all, there is no such thing as a “test run” for a marriage. The conditions can never be exactly the same, as those where solemn vows have been made and lifelong commitments exist. It remains a foreign experience to the two until they actually enter it. As for getting away with it, God will be the judge of that – literally. But there are some dangerous present day consequences as well.



When people get accustomed to meeting a stranger and giving them “everything” body and soul, then walking away, they are practicing how to be intimate without meaning or purpose. They see no reason to learn self-control or patience. Is it surprising when, those who never learnt it before marriage, are unable to have it when they marry? The constraints of a sick spouse or a distant education tour or even an argument, send them back to their self- training, the path of least resistance, easy and cheap pleasure? Cohabiting does that – a path of least resistance. There is no thinking twice before choosing to share ones bed, and no responsibility for choosing to kick someone out. Love has become cheap, and promises have become meaningless. It becomes a habit, then a lifestyle and thus a part of character, not so easy to turn around.

This is not to say that avoiding this lifestyle when single guarantees a heavenly marriage. There are many people who have “kept” themselves, are become bitter when they find themselves not even matched in lifestyle. The point is, when need to remember we do not belong to ourselves. We have a society, a community, a nation and above all, a Creator. The same way, I cannot say “it is my business which side of the road I drive on”, you have to move in co-ordination with society to be a force for good and not destruction. If someone is only thinking about their own pleasure, perhaps they have not begun to understand the word they fraudulently claim gives them license for this marriage treason – the word love. For, love is nothing if it is not considerate.

But then, each of us has gone astray, each has turned to his own way. We think we can make our own rules for life without consequences. I am not saying that there are not people who are enjoying this lifestyle. If that weren’t the case, I would not be writing this article right now! The question is not, do they enjoy themselves. The question is; what have they lost, what have they unwittingly sacrificed for this pleasure? What price will they and their children have to pay for this way of life? Perhaps a future where marriage is unknown and kids will only dream of seeing two parents under one roof. But worst of all a world where we become so self-righteous that nobody will even care about this issue anymore, because can neither make nor believe promises anymore. And I assert before you today, the price is too high. That is not a world you want to live in.

Polygamy Revival

I am sure you have noticed the recent revival of polygamy in Zambia. For a number of years at the funerals of several prominent Zambian’s we have come to know that the deceased had parallel families that knew nothing of each other. Upon inquiry it is usually found that several “key” members of the man’s extended family knew of this arrangement and facilitated these second, third and even fourth marriages. Recently however, the revival has “come out of the closest”, those who read Zambian newspapers will no doubt remember and article about a member of the Cabinet who has two wives who know of each other and live in harmony. As if that weren’t shocking enough, the article revealed that the man’s first wife served as matron at his marriage to his second wife. Then on the international scene there is of course there is Jacaob Zuma. What more needs to be said?

Recently, the media has joined in the Polygamy advocacy campaign. Bliss magazine for example recently published a pro polygamy article. In article an advocate of polygamy noted that several Biblical figures were polygamists. Though the article did not develop the point exegetically the clear implication is, since polygamy is in the Bible it is legitimate.

What is the Christian response to this? Well our first response is not to keep quite! We must speak up and refute this ungodliness from the Bible.

So where do we start? In the beginning, when in doubt we consult the blue print. In many debates about human sexuality today Christians act as is our sexuality was not designed for a particular purpose. These people then go on to say sexuality can be used for any purpose we imagine. This is however, not the case. The Bible in Genesis 1 and 2 lets us know that God deliberately created man male and female for the purpose of marriage. In addition one can note from Jesus’ elaboration on these passages in Mathew 19 that God specifically intended for marriage to be a union between one man and one woman. The Apostle Paul further develops the theology of marriage in Ephesians Chapter 5 by noting that human marriage is modeled along the lines of the relationship between Christ and his Church. As in Christ and his ONE bride. So this brief survey reveals that the Biblical norm is for a man to have ONE wife.

What about all the prominent polygamists in the Bible? One might note that prominent among them is David, a man after God’s own heart! Well, we must note that in the narratives of these Saints lives nowhere does God affirm polygamy as the norm. In short they were sinning by marring multiple wives. So why weren’t they asked to divorce? As far as I can tell God seems to recognize marriage even wrong marriages and expects the institution of marriage to be honoured even when wrongly entered into. It is for this reason that God introduces regulations to ensure that those who engage in polygamy do not abuse their spouses.

Okay that is the Biblical angle. In brief of course. Each point could be developed in greater complexity but for now that will suffice. Let have a look at the assertions that a man cannot stick to one woman. Well the Bible tells us that all people are sinful and are by nature rebels against God. The Christian must assert that it is sin and not the lack of sufficient sexual partners that causes martial unfaithfulness. I believe that the case of Jacob Zuma proves the case. The man has multiple wives and could easily have added another woman to his “krall” but not his sinful lack of self restraint lead him to cheat on his multiple wives. On this basis I believe that Biblically the Christian should oppose any suggestion that lack of self control is a warrant for polygamy.

Apart from using the Bible to refute the advocates of polygamy I believe that the Christian is to live a counter cultural life that displays God’s standards. When single the Christian is to be Chaste and not engage in sexual immorality. When married the Christian is to stick to their spouse and keep the marriage bed undefiled.

Your Wife is Not Your Realtive?

Your wife is not your relative! Have you ever heard that? It is usually a piece of advice passed from an older more experienced married man to the naïve less experienced younger man. It is a short phrase packed with meaning. Lets take some time to look at it.


Let’s start with what the Zambian means by relative. Why a relative is a member of ones family, which is ones family of origin. When a Zambian speaks of their family, they are referring their extended family. You see there is no distinction between the family they were born into and their extended family the more traditional Zambian’s mind. The Zambian feels the strongest ties of attachment and loyalty to their family because their family gives them a sense of identity, it is within the family that a person experiences the deepest longest lasting friendships; in short the Zambian can say they are one with their family.

In the traditional Zambian mind the same can not be said for ones spouse. The relationship between spouses is seen as a temporary thing that may end at any time, unlike the permanent bond between a man and his family. During marital discord a man’s relatives may be heard saying things along the lines of “you found us here and you will leave us here!” The lasting and meaningful relationships are between a person and “their family”. Notice how in the Zambian usage of the word the wife does not qualify as a family member she is just a wife. Further, the wife is seen as replaceable unlike the members of one’s family. A few years back an e-mail posing the question “if you could only save either your mother or your wife from drowning who would you save?” was circulated around Zambian. Many a Zambian man proudly said without hesitation “My Mother! I can always get another wife” The wife is reduced to a commodity, replaceable whenever she expires (or goes out of style?).

At this point the foreign reader might be bewildered and ask; what is the Zambian wife there fore you ask? Why she’s there to manage the household, entertain her man in bed and have children and not to be a relative! This belief translates itself into several traditional practices that turn a wife into a “second class citizen” in her own home. Take for example when a man’s family visits (please remember ones wife is not really a member of your family), the “good” Zambian wife is expected to act as a servant to them. Indeed, why shouldn’t she it is “their home”. While we could multiply the horror stories of wife abuse by a husband’s relative, I will move on to contrast this traditional view with the Biblical view on the matter.



The Biblical view point on the relationship between a man and his wife verses the relationship between the man and his family of origin stand in stark contrast. Consider the foundational text on marriage:

Genesis 2:21-24

“21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said,

"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

New International Version

According to the text the man is to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. While this does not imply the forsaking of ones parents it does mean that the primary loyalty of the man will switch from ones family to ones wife. More than this they will become one flesh. In Ephesians we learn that this involves the husband caring for his wife as if she were a part of him. So it can be said that a Husband enjoys a unity with his wife that he does not share with anyone else.

The contrast does not end there, lets go back to Genesis Chapter one:

Genesis 1:28

“28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."”

New International Version

In the traditional Zambian mind, the extend family is the foundation of the society. According to the Bible a man and wife are the foundation of society. They existed before there was any extended family. Therefore, the marriage is not subordinate to the extended family.

So, how should we then live? Firstly, as Zambian men we must TELL our families of origin of the BIBLES view of marriage and inform them of what this means for the way you will be interact with them during your marriage and how you expect them to interact with her. Make it clear that this is not a clash between western and tradition values, it is a clash between them and GOD. Secondly, we must live out the one flesh principle in our marriages and repent of all cultural practices that deny this one flesh principle. For example, when both a parent and ones spouse make equally important request, the spouses request should take precedence. As the man’s “relatives” we should not expect our grandson, son, brother (the only African categories) to have a greater loyalty to us than to his wife. We are to affirm Biblical standards and oppose those who oppose God’s standards. As always as we do all these things we should keep this motto in mind “to God alone be the glory”.