Your wife is not your relative! Have you ever heard that? It is usually a piece of advice passed from an older more experienced married man to the naïve less experienced younger man. It is a short phrase packed with meaning. Lets take some time to look at it.
Let’s start with what the Zambian means by relative. Why a relative is a member of ones family, which is ones family of origin. When a Zambian speaks of their family, they are referring their extended family. You see there is no distinction between the family they were born into and their extended family the more traditional Zambian’s mind. The Zambian feels the strongest ties of attachment and loyalty to their family because their family gives them a sense of identity, it is within the family that a person experiences the deepest longest lasting friendships; in short the Zambian can say they are one with their family.
In the traditional Zambian mind the same can not be said for ones spouse. The relationship between spouses is seen as a temporary thing that may end at any time, unlike the permanent bond between a man and his family. During marital discord a man’s relatives may be heard saying things along the lines of “you found us here and you will leave us here!” The lasting and meaningful relationships are between a person and “their family”. Notice how in the Zambian usage of the word the wife does not qualify as a family member she is just a wife. Further, the wife is seen as replaceable unlike the members of one’s family. A few years back an e-mail posing the question “if you could only save either your mother or your wife from drowning who would you save?” was circulated around Zambian. Many a Zambian man proudly said without hesitation “My Mother! I can always get another wife” The wife is reduced to a commodity, replaceable whenever she expires (or goes out of style?).
At this point the foreign reader might be bewildered and ask; what is the Zambian wife there fore you ask? Why she’s there to manage the household, entertain her man in bed and have children and not to be a relative! This belief translates itself into several traditional practices that turn a wife into a “second class citizen” in her own home. Take for example when a man’s family visits (please remember ones wife is not really a member of your family), the “good” Zambian wife is expected to act as a servant to them. Indeed, why shouldn’t she it is “their home”. While we could multiply the horror stories of wife abuse by a husband’s relative, I will move on to contrast this traditional view with the Biblical view on the matter.
The Biblical view point on the relationship between a man and his wife verses the relationship between the man and his family of origin stand in stark contrast. Consider the foundational text on marriage:
Genesis 2:21-24
“21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
New International Version
According to the text the man is to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. While this does not imply the forsaking of ones parents it does mean that the primary loyalty of the man will switch from ones family to ones wife. More than this they will become one flesh. In Ephesians we learn that this involves the husband caring for his wife as if she were a part of him. So it can be said that a Husband enjoys a unity with his wife that he does not share with anyone else.
The contrast does not end there, lets go back to Genesis Chapter one:
Genesis 1:28
“28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."”
New International Version
In the traditional Zambian mind, the extend family is the foundation of the society. According to the Bible a man and wife are the foundation of society. They existed before there was any extended family. Therefore, the marriage is not subordinate to the extended family.
So, how should we then live? Firstly, as Zambian men we must TELL our families of origin of the BIBLES view of marriage and inform them of what this means for the way you will be interact with them during your marriage and how you expect them to interact with her. Make it clear that this is not a clash between western and tradition values, it is a clash between them and GOD. Secondly, we must live out the one flesh principle in our marriages and repent of all cultural practices that deny this one flesh principle. For example, when both a parent and ones spouse make equally important request, the spouses request should take precedence. As the man’s “relatives” we should not expect our grandson, son, brother (the only African categories) to have a greater loyalty to us than to his wife. We are to affirm Biblical standards and oppose those who oppose God’s standards. As always as we do all these things we should keep this motto in mind “to God alone be the glory”.
